Oakland Kalinski: Legend At Large

2010-12-23T14:43:00.000-08:00

2010-02-19T11:40:00.001-08:00

shittistrips

2010-02-14T11:08:00.000-08:00

experimenting with this childish comic strip generator. best believe if i ever made a decent strip with this i would remove the advertisments in mspaint.

manually constructing strips and having to remember numbers definitely resulted in further-thought-out jokes.

2009-08-02T13:42:00.000-07:00

(they're already here)

2009-08-02T08:20:00.000-07:00

(they look just like us, like human beings)

2009-08-01T15:52:00.000-07:00

(looking for the book with the pages ripped out)

this just in: leaked photo of the dastardly duo!

2009-04-21T12:39:00.001-07:00

oakland (left) and shep (right) trying to sway record label execs.

2008-12-30T02:10:00.001-08:00

Oakland felt too weak to lift the pen. Coughing, he fell too his knee and then began to laugh. He stood up and stumbled backward a bit, still tethered to the desk by the pen in his hand. He let it go and it flew against the wall, inking a poster advertising a new direct-to-bank money wiring service.

"Shit! I could just get a deposit slip at your bank and put your name on it- for free!"

Everyone was staring at Oakland, who hushed now, suffering from "the spins" along with a bad case of "the wah wahs". The money transfer form, which Oakland must complete before his master plan could proceed, started to blur and twist in front of his eyes. Standing in the front of a super market in the rich part of town, O.K.'s heart was beating not unlike that of a 17 year old high on cough syrup, he took a knee and put his face close to the paper once again.

Oakland decided he would deal with the red tape in private. He found his way across the store to the restroom, which he had all to himself. He locked himself into a handicap stall and splashed some water on his face. He looked at himself in the mirror.

"What have I become?"

Oakland began to cry.

He realized the toilet had no absolute cover, only the one you lift when you piss, the kind that have the front section cut out, which Oakland was very outspoken against lifting. He took a seat anyway and placed his head in his hands.

Oakland thought back to his childhood, where this whole ordeal began. Saturdays O.K. would lock his brother out of his bedroom and break out his hidden stash of teen pop magazines. He'd flip straight to the back- to the fan mail listings. He would write death threats to Jonathan Taylor Thomas, signing them as the Oleson twins and putting their fan mail address as the return. This became a Saturday tradition, imaginary celebrity murder threats involving Tia and Tamara, Joey Lawrence, and The Fresh Prince.

Oakland remembered the money transfer form he was hell bent on filling out. The official Western Union pen still dangling on a cord from a desk across the store. Oakland pulled a can of electronics duster from his jeans and put his mouth on the nozzle. The walls of the bathroom began to sway and O.K. fell to the floor, which he then noticed was pink.

getting wheels.

2008-12-29T21:02:00.001-08:00

"So wait, you want me to loan you well over $6,000 to drive down to Florida and drive back? How the hell could you possibly expect me to say yes to that?"
"Well, first of all don't consider it as a loan. Think of it more like an investment-"
"I'd much rather think of it as a loan."
"OK. Think of it like a loan then-"
"Cuz that's what it is..."
"OK. That's what it is."
"You're just flat out bad at this.", Jimmy beamed.
"..."
Oakland was silent for about 6 seconds, looking about as pensive as he ever did.

If you ever talked to him for 5 minutes you would know that Oakland never really thought about
anything. He always knew what he was going to say to you, it's just that he wanted to seem sincere.
Really, it just seemed like he was begging for you to say "No" to whatever he wanted.
"People can't say no to thinkers. Thinkers are planning stuff. Thinkers always have you wrapped
around your finger. My father was a thinker."
"You never even met your Dad."
Even back then I was saying no.
"Yeah well, he taught me a lot."
I shot him one of those "I don't what the fuck you're talking about" looks.
"So listen, when we go in there he's probably not gonna give us any money-"
"Well, yeah. It's a donut shop. I mean, do you even know the guy? Why would he loan you money?"
"We're not even looking for money. It's a distraction. Then we'll catch him off guard when we
ask about his car."
"So if we ask him for money then he'll want to give us his car? What?"
"Just...stop right there. Watch me run circles around this asshole."

"You're just flat out bad at this.", Jimmy, the Jimmy Donuts owner beamed.
Oakland was silent for about 6 seconds, looking about as pensive as he ever did.
"So can we borrow your car?"
Jimmy chuckled, clearly unamused.
"No. Some hood rat and his colored buddy-"
"Brother.", Oakland interjected.
I stayed silent.
"Yeah, well, neither of you is gonna go near my car."
If smug were a verb, I'd say Jimmy smugged that last line.
"Understood. Nice doing business with you." Oakland said, with a confident wink.
We walked out and headed around back to where a 2003 yellow Ford Focus wagon sat parked slightly crooked in the only occupied space in the lot.
"O.K., what are we doing?"
"Borrowing his car."
Oakland elbowed the driver side windows and pulled back the lock.
"Wait, he already got a good look at us and we already told him we wanted his car. When his car's missing he's gonna know exactly who did it. What are you thinking?"
"Yeah, but I mean if we asked for it first he knows were too crazy to fuck with. I mean, who would pretty much flat out tell you they're stealing your car and then go do it right in front of you? He'll keep quiet."
Jimmy rushed out the back door with his cordless phone already at his ear.
"...told me he wanted to borrow my car then he just comes out here and breaks into it."
Oakland already was on his knees with his head underneath the dash.
"Hey, Shep, do you know how to hot wire one of these?"
I had already bolted off running. I turned around and signaled for him to follow.
"Come on, dumbass, your plan's over. It sucked."
He got up calmly and shrugged at Jimmy.
"No hard feelings, huh?"
He walked across the street to where I was standing. I practically vaulted him through the door of the grocery store. I was sure it was best just to duck off inside for a while, as long as we got out of sight. I headed for the back thinking Oaky would follow me. Of course I was dead wrong. He marched over to the service desk right by the entrance, cutting past the four people already in line.
"Hey, can I do a Western Union?", he asked of the balding man behind the desk.
"No, we only do MoneyGram sir. Um, would you mind getting back in l-"
"Do you have peanuts here?"
"Yeah...aisle four."
"You don't mind if I sneak a few, do you."
"Actually, I do. You can't just eat food off the shelf."
"Jesus, you're worse than those damn toilet designers. Why lift the seat when there's already a
hole? It's like having competitive money wiring services. It's very anti-Customer Service."
"What the hell are you talking about?", blurted the clerk, clearly no longer concerned with maintaining the charade of taking care of customers.
"Can I borrow your car?"
Jimmy barged in and yelled across the front of the store.
"Hey! Stop that guy! He tried to steal my car!"
With his pointer finger out and his face clearly betrayed Oakland fired back:
"Whoa! Dude! I said no hard feelings!"

attention:

2008-12-29T19:57:00.000-08:00

file everything below under "false starts".

2008-12-29T16:39:00.000-08:00

"Have you heard the one about Oakland Kalinski?" Counselor Jason asked as he drew the flashlight upon his face. The children shrieked, gathered around the campfire. Counselor Jason continued, "Oakland was a troubled child, he grew up to be...a maniac!"

The children jumped.

"Oakland lost all of his teeth at the age of 23 and all of his hair at 24. He stopped cutting his nails at 30 to easier play scratch off lottery tickets. His nails turned brown and curled under his fingers." Emily's father, Paul, interrupted.

"Counselor Jason, i don't think this story is appropriate for children."

"Oakland Kalinski woke up a at 4:00am every morning to the paper boy throwing hot coffee on his face as he slept in the sidewalk, as a result Oakland's face had 3rd degree burns upon burns upon burns. Also he would crap his pants when this happened every morning."

"Counselor i REALLY don't think you should be-"

"Silence! These children must know the truth about OK once and for all! We must stop living in fear!" At this point the children were even more interested, what with their parents disapproval of the story being told.

"These kids are 6 years old, you told us we'd be painting pumpkins...I brought all of this paint. and a pumpkin. Now you're just talking about men shitting themselves."

"Oakland Kalinski didn't always shit himself, sometimes he would relieve himself on random doorsteps throughout the day. Also, he made ends meat by robbing cars at 7-11."

"You are a bad storyteller, Jason, will Counselor Stephanie be back next week?"

"No. No no no no, Counselor Stephanie is at home in my freezer."

At this point the parents began packing up their things and leaving.

"Oh by the way my brother has already slashed all of your tires, fuckers!" Counselor Jason ran the other way into the night. Although nothing was reported missing from the cars, indeed their tires had been slashed.

2007-08-31T10:54:00.001-07:00

MAN

What can I do for you?

OAKLAND

I guess I'll just have a Bud Light.

MAN

Sir. This is Money Corner. Now, you've been sitting here for 20 minutes eating my peanuts, are you going to wire money or not?

OAKLAND

I'd like to send a Money Gram. To Cuba.

CLERK

What? Sir, we don't have that. I can wire your money via Western Union.

OAKLAND

God damnit!

CLERK

Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave...

the guns of my brother.

2007-08-29T19:35:00.000-07:00

Oakland grew up knowing say in and day out he was a mistake. His mother was living in some subsidized apartment complex around the outer boundaries of Detroit. I guess she fell for the charms of a door to door cleaning service salesman. not a very smart broad, already has a kid. Now to tell you the brilliant heritage of OK, you gotta understand his mother's last name: Shetland. So names her first son, from an unknown African-American: Shep. Shep Shetland. Kid knows he's shit from day one.

So, woman living in government housing, no job, black kid from unknown father, and now pregnant from a man who sells cleaning products to poor people. She puts Oakland, whom she names Eddie, up for adoption immediately after birth. An old Germanic couple take him, as they were unable to have children of their own. Oddly enough, not named Kalinski. Apparently a pseudonym he made for himself. Last name: Schtuck.

Shep Shetland and Eddie Schtuck. Moron brothers, opposite sides of town, heading for the same place. Eddie is a delinquent, often filing false reports to the police about his adopted parents. Hangs out in a movie theater down the street, sneaking into any showing he can. Kid loves movies. Maybe with a better sense of direction and a little less stupid he could have been something. One of pals who works at the Bureau division up in the U.P. says that in some storage shed they find old packs of baseball cards and home movies made by the kid. Some real auteur stuff. Artsy shit. Indie gold. Unbelievable.

Anyway, kid starts shoplifting, paying hobos to get him beer, ya know, everything you see in any troubled poor kid story. Shep, meanwhile, is doing everything he can to keep his mother alive. She's into heavy drugs, doing god knows what, and who, to pay for 'em. Kid's working at age 12 to pay bills, etc. He's working real hard and the bitch dies on him. Finds out he has a half brother in town and heads to the adoption agency to find out anything he can about him. Turns out they won't give out private information to pre-pubes, so the kid lets this mystery live on for about 7, 8 more years as he gets tossed around foster home after foster home. Gets molested by one of his foster fathers, still a whiny bitch about it. Whatever, action's action, kid. But he ends up running off and finds some relief in his mother's downfall.

Cops pick up this new kid and hauls him off to juvi. Meets Eddie, somehow figures out they're brothers, but keeps it secret and starts following Eddie wherever he went protecting him from his own dumbass self. Eddie is beginning to get into some bigger small time hustling. Western Union scams, stealing scratch offs, stealing radios. Lock you up shit. Eddie follows him to some bar one night and confronts him. Eddie's amazed and has his brother help him try to smuggle a truck full of defective guns to Florida. Of course the police catch them, but since the guns are broken and dissassembled there is no real law broken and they go free. Eddie gets the idea to weld these broken up pieces back together and sell them as the real thing at a huge discount. This is the first of a large series of awful ideas that end up working out. Now, we assume this is where the fake name began as all acquired guns were branded "OK guns...they work".

So now most any low rent, newfound gangster looking to do some Import/Export has a brand new broken gun that looks worse than it works. But at that price as long as it fires then that's fine. you'd think someone would try to shoot one of these and then the secret would be out. But nope, get in a firefight with a gun that doesn't work and you're just going to die.

Shep isn't used to any of this sort of ridiculous hustling and grows tired of his brother always lying to him and withholding his drugs from him. The one act of caring OK does is viewed as being an asshole. The irony. But some careless addiction, slowly building, ends up splitting up the two boys and begins the only gangwar fought exclusively without a single shot fired.

conversations from the bar.

2007-08-29T18:22:00.000-07:00

MAN

What can I get you?

OAKLAND

I'd like to send a Western Union. To Cuba.

MAN

Sir. This is a bar. Now, you've been sitting here for 20 minutes eating my peanuts, are you going to order a drink?

OAKLAND

Shasta. Rocks.

BARTENDER

What? Sir, we don't have that. I can get you some Coke?

OAKLAND

God damnit!

BARTENDER

Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave...

OAKLAND

Fuck yourself, baby killer.

BARTENDER

What? Get the fuck out of here!

Oakland leaves and makes his way down the alleyway.MAN

What is it you're looking for, Oakland?

OAKLAND

What the fuck did you just say? Who the fuck are you?

MAN

It's me. Your brother. It's Shep.

OAKLAND

I have no bro- ...can I borrow like 75 dollars?

SHEP

For what, Oakland, more smack?

OAKLAND

Smack Who? I have these baseball cards, they're worth like...2 Million dollars. The thing is they're in storage unit in Florida.

SHEP

Alright, Oak, but I'm coming with you!

OAKLAND

You know what my biggest fear is, Shep? Dropping my keys down a drain hole.

SHEP

What does that have to do with anything?

OAKLAND

Seriously, it's crippling.

SHEP

I really don't see where this is going.

OAKLAND

Don't say that out loud. We shall depart tomorrow!

The next day.

SHEP

Where did you get the money for this moving truck?

OAKLAND

What?

SHEP

Nevermind, I probably don't want to know.

OAKLAND

Yeah you don't. By the way, we have to make a quick stop in Miami on the way back.

SHEP

That's cool, we can have a few drinks on the beach. I think I packed my bathing suit...

OAKLAND

The truck is full of guns.

SHEP

What!? Why?

OAKLAND

We're selling them. To some Latin Kings. Codenames! You're "Raoul" and I'm "Artie" I didn't want to go too hispanic with my name, it'd be suspicious.

SHEP

I still don't see where this is going.

OAKLAND

Shh. Sattle up, potna!

2007-08-17T22:57:00.000-07:00

Here is an email we recieved today from Fast Eddie.

Truth or Consequences, New Mexico. They have a nice hotel there: about $30 a night. They seem to have a higher percentage beautiful women than average.

Also, I ate a plate of bugs there.

One night outside of my room I noticed a sign posted near the payphone:

NOTICEWHILE YOU ARE READING THIS THERE IS A MAN IN ONE OF THE WINDOWS HIGH ABOVE YOU WHO IS TAKING YOUR PHOTOGRAPH. HE WILL THEN MAKE A WEE MODEL OF YOU AND PUT IT WITH OTHER WEE MODELS OF OTHER PEOPLE. THEN HE PLAYS WEIRD GAMES WITH THEM.

I didn't think much of it at the time, but now that I've found your site, I'm pretty sure it was Oakland Kalinksi in that window.

Yours,
Fast Eddie

Video Transcript 1

2007-08-16T23:26:00.000-07:00

The Following is a transcript of a supermarket security tape showing what is believed to be the first of many wire transfers sent during Oakland Kalinski's crime spree in the summer of 2004.

The time on the video indicates Oakland first approached the counter at 1:24pm.

Kalinski: Hi I'm here to pick up a Western Union, names Oakland Kalinski. That's K-A-L...
Clerk 1: Sir. Sir. Just behind you, there, it's the yellow form. Please fill it out completely, then we can get you taken care of.
Kalinski: Oh, thank you.

Oakland then walks off camera for 12 minutes. There are no other cameras watching the front of the store, so it is unclear exactly what it is he is doing. At approximately 1:36pm he reaches the front of the line a second time.

Kalinski: I need to send some money.
Clerk 1: Have you filled out the form, just behind you, there-
Kalinski: Yep, I've got it right here.

Oakland hands him a Western Union form, and the clerk begins to type on his computer.

Clerk 1: I'm gonna need this filled out completely. You seem to just have written “Winn-Dixie” in the City/State field.
Kalinski: Well he's sending it from Winn-Dixie

The clerk hands the papers back and Oakland walks off screen again.

2:02pm, Oakland approaches the counter once more. He buys a bag of ice and a large amount of instant lotter tickets. He makes no mention of money transfers.

2:11pm, Oakland approaches the counter wearing what is obviously a fake mustache. An older, female clerk has replaced the teenage boy.

Kalinski: Hi I'm here to pick up a Western Union, names Oakland Kalinski. That's K-A-L...
Clerk 2: Sir. Sir. Just behind you, there, it's the yellow form. Please fill it out completely, then we can get you taken care of.
Kalinski: Oh, thank you.

2:16pm, Oakland hands the clerk some papers.

Clerk 2: What the hell? These are Money Gram forms. We don't do those, where the hell did you even get these at?
Kalinski: Can I pay my phone bill here?
Clerk 2: No. Here, put your information on this form and we'll be able to take care of you.

At 2:31pm Oakland hands over his presumably completed forms and successfully wires 400 dollars to John Doe in Richmond, Virginia. The test question was simply the word “Below”, the answer was “Me.”

Letter of Referral for Sexual Reassignment Surgery

2007-08-16T23:24:00.000-07:00

RE: Oakland Kolinski

To Whom it May Concern,

The purpose of this letter is to refer my patient, Oakland Kalinski, to your services for consideration for Sexual Reassignment Surgery. In my opinion, this is medically necessary, and the logical next step for this patient, as she has exhausted all other methods of dealing with her gender dysphoria.

Currently Oakland Kalinski has been diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria, and is in overall good health both mentally and physically otherwise. She has been supervised under a hormone replacement therapy for the last 12 months, while preparing for her surgery. I'm confident that Ms. Oakland Kalinski understands the potential consequences and outcomes of the surgery, and has indicated a interest in pursuing this measure. I feel at this time, that SRS is a necessary and appropriate procedure for Ms.Oakland Kalinski.

Please Contact me If I can be of any help with this patient.

Sincerly

Martin Macfly, M.D.

legends.

2007-08-16T23:00:00.000-07:00

you know, when you hear about legends it's always some dude with a giant ox or some guy making a cave with his own two hands. you know, something stupid and unbelievable or someone really good at something or someone who triumphed or whatever fairy tale bullshit doesn't really happen too often.

but i'll tell you, I myself have known a legend. seen him only once or twice, but every time he seemed just like the man from the stories. the man who actually crashed into a truck full of manure. the man who snorted Comet and lived to tell the tale.

yeah, I know. doesn't sound like someone worth even remembering, right? but beneath the moronic exterior there was something there strong enough to warrant classified FBI documents and his name landing on the President's desk. heavy shit, right?

yeah man, Oakland Kalisnki. the con man idiot savant.

Briefing

2007-08-16T22:43:00.000-07:00

This unit is new, and you are the newest members of it. You have been selected from the basis of intelligence and aptitude. This is an elite unit.

Our job is to smash, or marginally disrupt, organized crime in the city by enhanced cooperation of the FBI, represented here today by Jimmy from East 22nd. And we will do it. By organized crime in the city, you know who we mean:

that's Mike "Pillbox" Land, that's an old picture. Mikey met his demise. Last known photograph. Costello uses three key guys:

that's Lee Bad - off-the-boat psycho who lives with his mother, who's straight out of going my way.

Buck Wyld - muscle.

French - the number one. But of course the rock star:

You know who.

We've done a briefing. Books, so read up. I want any and all ideas so I can pass them off as my own. Word hard, you'll rise fast. You're in the best possible position in the department. Let's go to work.